A deep sadness - that's what it is!

 I finally know the words that describe this feeling that has overcome me for the last couple of days. 

A deep sadness. 

Nothing profound, just a sadness that started in my feet, if that ever be possible, moved around in my stomach for days, if you can believe that, caught my chest and hang onto it, swinging back and forth like a pendulum, swung its way to grab a hold of my shoulders and dragged them down like one who carries sacks of gravel daily, and now, it sits on my neck. At night, I lie awake, not a new phenomenon, but one that comes in a new form. My awakeness is matched with alertness, a tingling that i cannot place, restlessness that holds my nose and causes me to sit up every soften to breathe, headaches at the back, the front, the centre and finally, a weariness. I want to speak to no one. I want to see only my child. The patience I usually exercise even when I have sworn that I shall not suffer fools is gone. I am not snapping at anyone, I am simply refusing to acknowledge them. People are tiring me. Very easily, very often. 

I had thought that it was the need for rest, perhaps I needed time off work. On the last trip, I was joking around even as my feet failed me, I was dosing away even as my brain poked me, I was walking about with my camera even as my heart told me that something was not right. A lot of grief around me these last couple of weeks, could that be part of it? Perhaps, our body processes in many ways. But no, I have felt grief in my bones before. I didn't feel like this, tired and just done, so done, so over everything, needing just.....nothing.

A lunch hour break at work is an important one, saved for a walk that allows for the free flow of tears. Except, there are no tears. Just the sounds that come before them, and that heaving and heaviness as though something is coming out - but its not. It's buried in there because there is no way out. It has not been addressed. It's not like ignoring a pimple, it will be better for you if you do, leaves no mark when left to make its exit at its own time. It's more like ignoring a cancerous growth. It will grow and chances are, it will grow into something ugly.

I have no sense of what it is I wanted to get that, this is probably one of those posts to vent where your vent won't get a response that makes a bad situation worse, it will just sit there, and be out of your system. You feel less heavy and allow for more reflection into your now and yesterday to help you get up tomorrow. One day at a time.