The things that i do

I see that i will carry this with me for a long time. I am not sure if that is supposed to make me have a more fulfilling life or to live in fear of the uncertainty of tomorrow. I know, how it makes me feel though. Angry. But i am not sure if angry is the word that gives justice to my feelings just now.

Five years. Five solid years of my life wasted. It is more annoying than it is painful

I got a letter this morning, at my work place. I walked in and the receptionist handed me the offending item, with a smile. Now that i have had time to think about it, i realise she probably didn't know the contents of it and that is why she was smiling. I didn't treat her like she didn't know at the time though, i lashed out and she was the nearest to me. I shall apologise one day.

They said in the letter that it was time to restructure and my position was being dissolved. Many big words really that meant i was out of a job. They said it was with immediate effect. I was to hand in my ID and all other company property. I had always seen on TV men walk out of the office with a large box after they had quit. I always thought my exit would be that way. I never dreamed that...

I walked to my desk and noticed immediately that nobody was looking me in the face. Everyone was pretending to be busy. There was no usual chatter. So they all knew, i thought. Something came over me. I do not know what it is. I guess it was pent up anger and that thing they say... that madness comes in a moment.

I remember two of them holding my hands behind my back and pushing me into the pantry asking me to calm down. When i looked at what i had done, i didn't understand it. My computer screen, well the office computer, was shattered and there was a bit of blood from my fist. I had hit somebody too. I do not know why i hit the computer. I wanted to make them lose something too i guess. The heavy wide glass that marked a part of the room was also in pieces. The room looked smaller. I understand now why they had put it there in the first place.

The guard holding his gun was looking at me calmly and asking me to leave peacefully. The gun wasn't pointed at me, he just had it slung over his shoulder to remind me that it was there. I had worked here for five years and now i was being shown the door with no apology.

I remember the drive home. I kept asking myself why i had done the things i did. It was the shock. It had to be. We had just moved into a new house, my wife and i, and our first born child was just months away. My mother had just come to live with us too and she was not helping matters going on and on about this and that. She raised me to be an achiever, she is disappointed that i do not live the lifestyle she gave up her life to give me.

I do not know who i will tell first. My wife who just recently convinced me to let her stay home and raise our child, or my mother who already thinks i am a-little-nothing. I am a small man in stature and i am not very tall either...well i am a bit on the short side. It does not help matters.

The company says they will take the damage costs off my severance pay. They will however, not write me a recommendation. They think i am a violent man who has cost them more than i have contributed.

I remember the first time i destroyed a thing. It was at a company party. A few of us got very drunk and we peed in cups and placed them in the boss' car. They saw the video off course, off the CCTV cameras. It was my reputation that i destroyed then...mostly it has been my reputation.

I remember an expensive bottle of bourbon that had been sitting in my boss' office. She kept it for the important CEO's who came by. In my defence, we had worked all weekend and gotten no recognition. It seemed like the sensible thing to do, reward ourselves. We drank it all and left the empty bottle at her desk. When you are drunk, everything makes sense.

Last week, i was arrested for drink driving. When the police stopped my car, i turned around and drove away fast. I knocked another car in the process and that is how they got me. I slept in a cell that night and spent the next day figuring out insurance and whatnot. The company off course found out.

I cannot tell my wife. She says my drinking makes me stupid. I think it just makes me bold. Perhaps i will stop drinking now since i will not have the money to buy the drinks. My wife says i need to learn to deal with my anger. It is not anger, it is expression. I think people who cannot express themselves are sad people.

Those things that i do, i do not understand myself sometimes. It is as though someone else takes over my body and causes harm and then they leave and the blame is all on me.