Dr. Arti

She allowed her hand to pat the spot beside her and closed her eyes. Nothing. It felt like a little victory. She hoped it would stay this way. The fewer the people that knew, the better. Four nights to go and she would be back home where no one would be any the wiser.

She rolled off the bed and made for the bathroom. She hoped the woman she was sharing the room with would not ask her why she was up and about for most of the night. She had learned that however high up you rose, the littlest thing could cripple you and keep you from enjoying your success. If people found out about it.

The early morning showers always helped release the stress in her body. Whenever she had access to a shower, she stood under the more-hot-than-warm water and allowed it to slap at her back. If she was in her bathroom at home, she would have done the unthinkable and allowed for release from her bladder. It annoyed her to have to take a break from the shower to use the toilet to pee.

This was her first time out of her country. For the first time in her life, she felt important. She felt like she had a contribution to make. This little handicap would not stand in her way. If she had to stay awake four more nights she would.

Some people are afraid of their own shadows. Some people have fears that are valid. Some people are like me, one little thing has such a hold on us that we fear to be who we should because we fear that someone will know that little thing that we are trying so hard to hide.

My name is Kenchuche and i do not like water.

I have a voiding diary. I have had one for the last three years. Before i got one, i thought this whole thing was my problem. That i was somehow abnormal.

I remember that my mother beat me up so much when i was a child because she thought i was a lazy child who couldn't get to the toilet fast enough. As i grew older, she figured i would get trained better in boarding school where the rude remarks and teasing from the other children would push me to work on this bad habit. It didn't. It got worse.

I learned how to deal with my problem when the matron said i would be thrown out of school if i didn't. I did not want to tolerate my mother more than i should so i found a way around it. I wore a sanitary every night and used tissue during the day. All the pocket money i ever got, i spent on sanitaries and toilet paper. When i got a severe infection from this option, i took myself to a doctor during the school holidays.

He wanted me to go and bring my mother. I refused. He explained to me that it was a problem that i needed an adult to support me with. I refused. I had taken some money from my fathers bedside drawer and i was going to use it to pay for the treatment for the infection.

I do not know why he felt sorry for me but he did. He treated me for the infection and asked me to see him three days later. He told the lady at the reception that he would cover my bill from his own pocket.

When i did go back, he sat me down and spoke about a thing they referred to as Urinary Incontinence. He asked me if i liked alcohol, i said i had never tasted it. No i did not like coffee and the other things he mentioned.

I was 17years old then. I was angry at the world, i was angry at my mother for making me think it was my fault, i was angry at myself for having this thing that i could not control.

I had made friends with the doctor who felt sorry for this pitiful girl that was me. When i went back to school, he came to see the matron and explained it all. I was given my own living space. It was small and inconvenient, it must have been a broom store at a point, but it allowed me to put a plastic sheet on my mattress with no one judging me.

I got through secondary school and made it through the University too. When i was twenty two, I finally stopped being stubborn and got the voiding diary. I have to write all this stuff down, like what i drink, when i go to the bathroom, how....it is just very tiresome but i have always been a straight A student. I figured if i could do this one thing, it would surely get me on the journey to being normal.

I use absorbent pads now but i hate to use them so much. In the night, when i am back home, i do not. I like for my body to breathe. I needed it to breathe yesterday and that is why i was not wearing one. Also because our luggage got misplaced at the airport and i only have one spare in my handbag. They have not yet found the luggage. Chances are high that the conference will end before they find it.

I do not have a boyfriend. I do not want one. Dr. Arti, the doctor who has now become a personal friend, says i should not shut myself out from the world. Did i mention that i am a medical student and i am here to present a paper on a very important thing on behalf of my faculty? Yes i became an overachiever and here i am now.