We were young, You still are

We were young, that i can say with certainty now. We didn't see the whole picture. We thought that what we had would be all we needed. We were young and we didn't think.

Every time i find the strength to look at the pictures, the very first one sucks the life out of me. We were beautiful and carefree. You with the one single rose and key, and me with my hands covering my face because you could be just the right dose of naughty and sweet at the same time.

You had just bought me the car. The little yellow car that looked like a frog. I remember how you laughed so hard when i told you that those cars were ugly and cute at the same time and how i said i would want one just to look at and laugh at myself.

You bought the car because you said you wanted me to have a reason to laugh at myself every morning as i walked out of the house to work. It was old and beaten down but you said the paint was fresh and no one would know. I didn't care. I knew you could not afford to buy me a big fancy car. I loved you more for remembering the things that made me laugh.

There is a picture there that tells me of how good an actor you were then. It is that of me crying shaking your body and willing you to live. You thought it was funny. I didn't. I thought it selfish that you should want me to experience one of life's cruel adventures before its time, and all because you wanted to see how i would react. You were just playing but you looked pale and gone and i was broken and lost.

I remember your mothers eyes. She always looked at me like i was a thing to be pitied. I guess she knew the child she had raised. I guess she knew what i had set myself up for.  Your dad liked me though, he thought i would be good for you. He said to me that for the first time in your life, you had made a decision that was right. He was proud of you because you had chosen me.

When i see him now, he smiles at me and says i did better than he expected.

I was young and hopeful and i thought people got better with age. That life taught some lessons that helped the growing process. I believed that there would come a time when you would understand that some things were more important than others. I was wrong. You never did understand.

You are a good man. You just lose your way so easy. You do not know how to hold on to anything. You do not know how to sieve what you should keep and what you should lose. You want fame and money and everything that comes with it and you will get it. I know it will destroy you. I know you think that i shall be here waiting.

A month after you gave me the car, they came and took it away. The man said you had his money and this was the collateral. I remember your face when you came home. You held me and cried and said the times were so hard. I didn't know then that the hardness of the times was dictated by the gambling and the drugs. I am naive, that i will admit to.

I lived in a little bubble of peace and happiness. I liked to think, everything would be okay. When your father first mentioned to me that you were taking drugs, i laughed at him. Yes, it was your father that told me. I told him i knew you well. He told me i was foolish.

You had me fooled, yes you did. I was blind because i believed so much in us that i didn't see that there was no us. The day you told me that, you laughed. I cried. I didn't understand. Your friends laughed with you and one of them threw some money at me. They told me to find some happiness and buy a few short skirts.

I carried the children to your mother and she said she couldn't keep them. She told me that real women stayed on and paid the price for the story of the beautiful relationship they had to show later in life. I came back home and you were gone. She must have called you. How else had you known i would be out of the house long enough for you to pack it up and run?

My sister says she is glad i did not marry you. I do not understand how that helps since i have your children and i will always have that tie with you. I see you every so often when your music plays on the TV. I see you often, but when i look into your eyes, i see that you are lost and i feel sorry for you. You are not the man in the photos that i now hold.

You came to see the children the other day and you looked at me for a long time before i shut the door. You said you were sorry. You said you wish you had listened. You said you were in too deep now and you could not leave. I didn't understand what you meant but i realized that once again you were choosing all of those things and not me or your children. Not the life that we could have.